Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize