i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
