Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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