wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
