All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
