Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
