I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
