u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
