Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
