he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
