I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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