so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sober January is a disaster.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
