I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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