I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
