he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
