You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize