hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
