You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
