meet me or not, i'm out of control
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
