you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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