You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
