Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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