dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize