if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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