Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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