Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
