i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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