i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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