I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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