I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
