Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
