I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
