We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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