I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
