dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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