I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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