But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wish my penis had a tongue
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm really busy with my period
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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