I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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