great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I am available for nakedness
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
