after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize