i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
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