so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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