im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
