I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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