i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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