life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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