I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
