I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
