i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
