6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
