I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
