haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
