Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
