The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
