am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
