apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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