he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
