I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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