I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
