i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize