Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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