I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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