No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
